Inner Rage -- Cindy Rooy

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
Romans 7:15

Just the mention of my media company’s name triggers hostility in me. Spending a hefty monthly fee for telephone, internet and TV service and having all 3 inoperable not only frustrates me but angers me. I mean dead, nothing, zilch for 10 days with a no-show technician. The many pleas for technical service are useless. At first I felt helpless, but that feeling transformed into exasperation. Rage and vengeance unexpectedly surfaced. I thought the Holy Spirit would have prevented those harmful feelings from emerging; I’m supposed to be controlled by the Spirit, not by my sinful nature. Perhaps the Spirit within us is ready to be called on, not taken for granted.

I hate how my negative emotions affect me physically. My body was on fire, my heart raced, tears formed, and I couldn’t sleep which allowed me to contemplate as I stewed. Why didn’t I have better self-control? Where were my love, joy, peace, and patience?

I realize I should have immediately released my anxiety to God in prayer. I forgot about Philippians 4:6-7. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Why didn’t it occur to me to pray and ask God for help before the problem escalated?

It is ironic that I’ve just written a Bible study about trusting God through troubles and tears. I am being tested and need to practice what I preach! Therefore, while praying for peace and a quick return of those services, I will trust God who allowed this predicament for a reason.

I’m grateful that our “light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far out-weighs them all.” This trouble does not seem light or momentary, but it will be nothing compared to what Jesus has waiting for me. In the meantime, I am still a work in progress.



Cindy Rooy is a columnist in two Tennessee newspapers and has been published in a devotional book titled Daily Devotions for Writers. She recently wrote a Bible study, Trusting God Through Trouble and Tears, which is being considered for publication. A wife and mother of three adult children, Cindy enjoys a writing and speaking ministry.